Lost Words

     Search for lost words & lost visions, try to assemble all your entangled thoughts. Try to picture your last dream. You can write / speak or do nothing but write, portray what you are thinking. Can you recall what you saw? Can you feel the first breeze of the first new air of spring? Hear the whispers coming from the mountains. Listen to the loud silence. Birds are not chirping. This loud / loud / loud silence is breaking my eardrums. I can lie down on the grass, lookup high at the clouds, the many strange shapes are formed. Soon the cloud will change into something more alive, the sky will be defrost too. It will soon start moving. The half-remembered childhood Sky will soon become visible, but even though being far from home. I don't know / are not familiar with this gloomy, grey, dull, sad Sky. I hope this spring 'life' changes from 'life' to 'life'. I know both lives are life. But one with the blue sky and warm air and breezy weather is worth living. This far far far away from home, cold is killing / frosting my heart from the core. Sometimes I ask the Green Leaves, those two leaves who have just sprouted. How was the journey from hibernation to life?! It might feel like rebirth, but the life was already designed, programmed inside the seed. This way I might say / think the life is just a long strand of the evolution in a circle. The circle of faith/ life / existence eventually always comes to the starting point.

Last night, I was standing in the balcony of my 10th floor hostel in Delhi. I was thinking / having a stroke of thoughts at late night. I was looking long at the dark, green and empty forest. I thought what would happen right now at the moment if someone press the reset button. What would happen if everything went back to the 'default settings' of the world? How would have we react? What if everything we've built would crumble beneath our feet. I was having this thought while standing at the 10th floor. What if the building and every other human-made things get vanished/ pop-out like in the tetris game. The buildings, the things people have made would have just desappear out of the blue. But the people, their conscience, consciousness would remain same. Would we just float around the height we have reached or we would fall hard on the earth floor. How would world look? Will it look all flat round or it would look like green, lush, wide forest? Where would you all of us live? Will the lives of the wilderness grab us by the embraced solitude,grief & sorrow? How people would have react? This winter morning the cold breeze is feeling like the knives made out of glass. I am thinking of ending things!

Currently I am sitting here in the sun not basking nor enjoying, just sitting on the green grass looking at people. People are also looking at people. Dogs are running, people calling them by their names. Some are talking, some are living, some are waiting, some are resting. And here I am waiting, waiting for the winter to be gone. This cold hard days are soon to be gone. The air will change its direction, path & nature. Will the wind blow from the Jungle? Would I be able to hear the birds again? This feels like Ice age shifting from its cold era towards the discovery of New world. Yes, people still like the sun. People still Crave for sunlight. People want to touch moonlight, the last Ray of Sunlight and the first raindrops of the Year. They are touching the raindrops even from the prison van. Can you imagine being you, deprived, striped out of your freedom. Kept in a complete loneliness, not always in a physical prison, rather an imaginary one built by you, yourself and your defence mechanism. Which have been built upon the traumas you have gathered from life. Is life going to be the same forever? Sky is changing. I know that. I can feel their distant murmur. I, sometimes, see shapes moving, hear voices in the shadows, but they're in the dark. All in my peripheral vision. Heartaches felt through / by (words + not always). Nah, I'm not going to explain myself. Even my pain / pen won't write this. The world is crumbling upon the crust of the earth. Do you feel the trembles?

Often I, (we) think word / words are going to fill the void. Not always. Not always in these cases. I know, I definitely know this (time / সময়) aren't going to be / stay like this always. Not like the gloomy or the constant part, not the void part, but the better state of Solitude, loneliness (!) . So I am thinking of laughing, loving, joining, doing, caring all the things I can do. I lost, completely lost my tracks, what road / path I chose. What plans I did, I forgot everything. I thought of writing everything I could, then the time to write comes, I forgot how to hold pen.

    I'm Thinking of Ending Things!

    Del, 22/Jan'24. Earth

Photo by - @vatnikajj